The New Old Age

When a Friend Becomes a Caregiver

People outside the family frequently step into helping roles when older adults need assistance.

A younger man walks with an elderly man through a leafy street.
(Maskot/Getty Images)

For several years, Nicole Straight and Patricia Wood, who lived across the street from each other in Sausalito, California, were more neighbors than friends, exchanging sociable greetings and occasionally having coffee.

Then, last October, Wood took a fall, broke her neck, and spent three months in rehabilitation. When she returned to the house she shares with her niece, she couldn鈥檛 walk without assistance. 鈥淚 still don鈥檛 dare go up and down stairs unless someone is with me,鈥 said Wood, 93.

That has redefined their neighborly relationship. Straight, 53, a retired chef, now visits weekly, bringing lattes and cookies, and often leftovers from dinners she has made. Her husband installed a grab bar in Wood鈥檚 bathroom, put up shelves, and changed her light bulbs and smoke detector batteries. The texts fly back and forth.

Straight calls to say I鈥檓 going to the grocery store. Do you need anything? Wood, who no longer drives, provides a shopping list.

鈥淪he is a gift from heaven,鈥 said Wood, a retired insurance executive. 鈥淲e talk and talk. Sometimes we shed a few tears, but mostly we laugh. I never thought I鈥檇 have a new best friend at this time of my life.鈥

Eldercare, typically considered a family obligation, is evolving to adapt to demographic shifts that make reliance on spouses and children less assured.

鈥淭he number of older adults who have never married or are divorced has been increasing, so we have more people aging alone,鈥 said Deborah Carr, a sociologist at Boston University who has investigated these trends.

鈥淭he proportion who are childless, by choice or not, is also growing,鈥 she added, and families with children have fewer of them than in past generations.

Geographic distances or also fuel the need for other kinds of caregivers 鈥 roles that friends or neighbors can fill.

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How commonly do friends step into caregiving gaps? A recently published study in JAMA Network Open, led by researchers at the University of Michigan, looked into , usually in supplementary roles.

They used data from the National Health and Aging Trends Study, in which more than 2,600 older people with health limitations (average age: 79) identified friends and family members who provided help. Family members were most likely to care for aging relatives, but about 14% of participants identified friends (including neighbors) in that role. That represents 2.4 million caregiving friends nationally, the authors estimated.

Last year, a by AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving put the proportion of caregivers supporting nonrelatives at 11%.

鈥淔riends are among the auxiliary caregivers who have not been acknowledged,鈥 said Karen Fingerman, a gerontologist at the University of Texas-Austin and co-author of a the study. 鈥淲e neglect the sacrifices they make.鈥

The study, believed to be the first nationwide look at caregiving friends, found they functioned differently from relatives. They鈥檙e unlikely to live with the person they鈥檙e helping, for example, and rarely serve as the sole caregiver.

鈥淭hey provide fewer care hours,鈥 said Yee To Ng, a gerontologist and lead author of the study, which found that friends supplied 18 hours of help a month on average, compared with about 67 hours from family.

They assist in different ways, too. 鈥淔riends are more likely to provide transportation,鈥 Ng said. Two-thirds of caregiving friends drive their friends around; shopping, helping people go outside, preparing meals, and accompanying patients to medical appointments round out the top five tasks.

Sometimes they do more. Czes Ferrino, 82, is widowed and lives alone in Westerly, Rhode Island. She has no disabling health problems, but when her car died recently, her next-door neighbor went with her to several Subaru dealers to find a used replacement. 鈥淗e walked me through it like a son would for a mother or grandmother,鈥 Ferrino said.

On the other hand, 鈥渢here are some tasks friends might not be well equipped to provide or be comfortable with,鈥 Ng said. Personal care, like bathing and dressing, remains largely the province of family members.

鈥淭hose can infringe on people鈥檚 self-esteem,鈥 Ng said. 鈥淲ith family, we accept that when you鈥檙e really ill, they step up with intimate activities. It鈥檚 embarrassing to have your friends help you use the toilet.鈥

The researchers also found that respondents who named friends as caregivers were younger than those with only relatives in that role, and more apt to have college degrees. People with higher education levels have larger social networks, Fingerman said.

Those assisted by friends were also, unsurprisingly, less likely to be married and more apt to live alone 鈥 like Ann Greenwater, 84, who lives in a mobile home park in rural Humboldt County, California.

She managed independently until a few years ago, when severe back pain rendered her bedridden for nearly three months. Although she鈥檚 up and about now and can handle housekeeping, cooking, and personal care, 鈥淚鈥檝e never really fully recovered,鈥 Greenwater said.

She is single, with no family beyond a distant nephew she barely knows, and has stopped driving. But a cadre of friends she knows from a nearby Zen Buddhist center stepped in.

Milli Quam, 86, does her laundry and drops it off, sometimes picking up prescriptions en route. A 73-year-old helped Greenwater with her computer and, along with several others, takes her grocery shopping or shops for her. Members of a local volunteer organization drive her to medical appointments.

鈥淚 love Ann, and I鈥檓 happy there鈥檚 something concrete I can do,鈥 Quam said. 鈥淚 hope I can keep doing it for a long time.鈥

Friends have some advantages as caregivers. 鈥淥ur friends are our own age and understand what we鈥檙e going through,鈥 Carr said. 鈥淭hey may have more empathy and sometimes real knowledge they鈥檝e acquired.鈥 When family caregivers are on the job, friends鈥 efforts can reduce their burden.

But nonrelatives may also prove less stable as a source of help. Neighbors move. Strains can develop if the person needing care becomes too demanding or feels guilty about accepting help, challenging the egalitarian expectations for friendships. These in those with physical limitations, a study led by Carr found.

Nor is there much policy support for these caregiving relationships. The federal Family and Medical Leave Act, for instance, 鈥渨ith rare exceptions does not provide job-protected leave from work to care for a friend with a serious health condition,鈥 Laura Lawless, a labor and employment lawyer with Squire Patton Boggs, said in an email.

鈥淔or family, 鈥榯hrough thick and thin鈥 is the expectation,鈥 Carr said. 鈥淭here鈥檚 huge stigma to being estranged from your family, but it鈥檚 kind of normal for some friendships to just fall away.鈥

In Sausalito, Wood tells Straight that 鈥渟he鈥檚 not allowed to move until I die.鈥 She鈥檚 joking, sort of.

Greenwater鈥檚 friends in Humboldt County, to her gratitude, have not fallen away either. But they are aging along with her; at 86, Quam pointed out, she may stop driving before long, too.

鈥淚鈥檓 wondering what will happen when these friends aren鈥檛 able to come to me,鈥 Greenwater said. 鈥淚 guess we鈥檒l deal with it when it comes.鈥

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AgingMental HealthCaregivingLong-Term CareStudyThe New Old AgeRhode IslandCalifornia

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